Break Free | Silencing Self-Sabotage & Leading Authentically | Dr. Brandy Peer

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more. So, what is actually

getting in your way? Today,

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we are talking about how to stop waiting for

permission and how to start becoming it. If

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you're ready to build your legacy in real

time, you are in the right place. Let's go.

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Welcome to Women of Color Live, the live version

of Women of Color in Intimate Conversation,

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a top 20 women's empowerment podcast. We center

and empower women of color. We also have a

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community for black women 50 plus, the Dream

Lifestyle Collective. Before I welcome our guests,

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shout out to the production team at the Leon

Thomas Group and a special shout out to Orin

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who is on the ones and twos today. So today's

guest is Dr. Brandy Pier. She is the CEO of

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Bmpowered Consulting. She's an identity architect

and consultant helping ambitious women step into

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their most authentic selves. And for this month,

April, we're highlighting women who build legacy

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in real time. Dr. Brandy, welcome. Thank you.

Thank you for having me. It's my absolute pro

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uh pleasure. So, Dr. Brandy, let's go ahead

and get into this conversation. And by the way,

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those who are watching, um, drop WC so we know

you're out there. Drop dreamer if you're part

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of the Dream Lifestyle Collective and drop a heart

if you're a family member. And also, we're taking

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questions. So, go ahead and get your questions

ready and drop those as well. So, Dr. Brandy, who

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were you before the title, the credential, and the

build? What was the the decision that shifted how

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you saw yourself as someone built to lead? So, I

would say that the person I I was on the outside,

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I had it all together, right? I looked like I

had the degrees, I had the good job, you know,

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I was I was in that six-f figureure field, but

I just I just couldn't figure it out. Something

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was just off. And I had to figure out what that

what that meant, right? I talk to people all the

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time and I, you know, I keep saying, you know,

I I want to help women get out of their own way

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because for some reason I was in my own way and I

didn't know what that meant. And so for me, who I

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was before the identity architect title, which,

you know, was a working thing because I couldn't

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figure out what it was. You know, I was that

woman who I had it all together on the outside,

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but something just something was missing and

something was misaligned on the inside. And so,

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you know, what I had to realize is I had to

get out of my own way. And what that meant is

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identifying what those behaviors were, and I

call them patterns. And you know, we'll probably

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get into that a little bit more, but what those

self-destructive or self-sabotaging patterns were

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that were stopping me from getting out there and

doing the things that I wanted to do, you know,

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um holding myself back, playing small, shrinking

because I wanted to make everybody else happy that

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I was losing myself in that process. So, that's

who I was before I became who I am today. And what

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you said is very key. And I think many women, many

black women, many women of color, we do that. One,

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we get in our own way. Like I know I do like

I'm like in my way right now with some things

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and you know, so hey, it is what it is. You know,

I'm putting out I'm aware of it, right? And I'm

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doing what I need to do to get out of my way. Um,

and so I love that. And then it's also, you know,

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what you said as far as identifying those

things that are getting in your way and then

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making some changes um to get get in alignment.

Yeah. So, I see something behind you. What What

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is that behind you? Like little clips of things.

What's going on with that? And how how does that

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fit into what you do? So, that behind me, yes,

it's very very filled, is my vision board. Um,

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and so it pretty much helps remind me of again,

how do I get out of my own way? There are a lot

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of things that, you know, I I say that I want

to do. There are a lot of things that, you know,

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I want to accomplish, but what's stopping me,

right? A lot of times we spend our lives saying,

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well, if this didn't happen or it's not the right

time or you know, well, when I get brave enough

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to do something and the thing about it is you

don't gain confidence until you do something.

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you don't know what you need to fix until you

actually start something. And we all, you know,

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we always say, well, when I get this credential

or when I get this, you know, amount of time or

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find the right time, there's never going to be the

right time to chase your dream. It's always going

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to be something that's inconvenient. And and we

rationalize ourselves out of doing something um

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because we're scared, right? We don't acknowledge

the fear, you know, the fear of messing up, you

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know, and that's perfectionism. That's that that's

one of those patterns I talk about is, you know,

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we get so caught up in our perfectionism that we

just don't move. We're so afraid to mess up that

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we then just don't do anything and then we live

in the shoulda, couldas, and would it have been

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if I had done this then, right? And so the vision

board helps keep me focused, you know, and I have

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notes as well. What you can't see directly right

above my head is there's a sign that says, "You

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are amazing." There is a reminder right there so

that when I'm on this camera and I'm looking and

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talking to clients and talking to other people,

that is also my reminder that you are amazing.

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Like you are enough. You have more than enough.

And you don't have to find reasons why, you know,

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or reasons to stop yourself from doing something.

You just need to do it. And then it's okay to be

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afraid. Do it do it scared. That's what I tell

people is do it scared because if you never do it,

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then you don't know one, you can. And two, if

you do need to to tweak something, now you know,

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once you started it, now you can figure out how

to tweak it. But if you never start and you feel

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like, oh, I need to check off all the boxes before

I start, you just won't start. Absolutely. And you

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know what? So, you're talking about me right

here. You're talking about the me that I was

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almost six years ago. So, let me tell you, next

Friday, April 10, the podcast celebrates 10 six

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years. And it's exactly six years because it

was a Friday. It was Good Friday six years ago

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when I launched the podcast and I launched it

exactly what you just said. I just did it. Um

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I felt the fear and did it anyway. And I had

the day before I realized through conversation

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um with a coach as well as reading um Bnee Brown's

book and the first thing that she had in there was

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uh vulner being vulnerable vulnerability and I'm

like oh my god that's what it is. I have a fear

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of being vulnerable. So the very next day I Nike

it and just did it. And again we're here six years

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later on a um on the live version of the podcast.

And again one I'm here six years later. Um I have

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almost 200 episodes. Okay. Most of them are

with women. So giving women the platform to use

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their voices which is one of my core reasons for

having the podcast. Um, and also being a top 20,

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um, number 16 to be exact, women's empowerment,

and all of that is huge. And I wouldn't have it

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if I didn't just do it. I wouldn't have it if I

didn't do everything that you're talking about,

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which is doing it scared, doing it anyway, and

building as you go. Because I definitely believe

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in, you know, flying a plane as you build or

how whatever they say, right? I believe in that.

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Building it as you fly, fly, right? all that.

Absolutely. And it for me it took it took the

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pandemic because we realized life could be taken

away from us so unexpectedly to actually start

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my business. I wanted to do the business, you

know, probably 10 years prior to that, but again,

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I got in my own way. I'm like, "Oh, well, I need

to get this credential. I need to be certified.

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I need to get this. I need to study this. I need

to make sure." I thought that I wasn't enough. No,

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I thought that what I already had wasn't enough.

Now I will also on the flip side say maybe I

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wasn't ready because the name of my business came

to me you know that was divine intervention in

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the middle of the night and you know I had to I

I asked myself what did I want people to be and

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you know when they were done with me right and

and you know after I I've coached them through

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or I've trained them or whatever it is what did

I want them to be and you know God said 3:00 in

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the morning I popped out of my bed you know and it

said be empowered but the trick to that is those

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are my initials, right? A lot of businesses, you

know, you put your name in the business. So the

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BMP, those are my initials. So it flowed out. I

said, "Hey, that's God." So maybe I wasn't ready

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at the time and I didn't know that. And I wasn't

ready, not because I didn't have the credentials,

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but because I wasn't fully ready or dedicated

to do what I needed to do. So everything does

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happen for a reason. It is divine timing. And

but I do know that I could have probably done

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this sooner if I had, you know, done it while

I was scared. And eventually the pandemic said,

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"Well, you know what? If you don't do it while

you're while it's scared, while you're scared,

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like life, we don't know if tomorrow's going to be

here." Yeah. And and you don't want to, you know,

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get to that moment where you're like, "Dang, I

wish I would have." And so I did it. Yeah. No,

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I love that. I absolutely love that it's your

initials because I was looking and I'm like,

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"Okay, be empowered, right?" you know, clued in

on it being your initials, but just seeing how

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creative you were with the BM empowered. Um, and

it did absolutely flow. And you know what? And

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see, that's a thing as well. It's okay. It's okay

if you're not ready, right? Because you do have

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to be ready, right? Right. So, that doing it,

you know, feeling the fear and doing it anyway,

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you still have to be ready. So, we're not just

saying just go out there, you know, you afraid

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and you're not ready. No, we're not saying that.

We're saying be ready to receive what it is that

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you want, right? You're scared to do that. Like

me, I thought it needed to look a certain way,

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be a certain way. And so I I didn't move forward.

And then at the same time, I started looking at

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other podcasts to see what they look like. And

I'm like, you know what? I love these podcasts.

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They are so inspiring and they're not polished.

So I'm like, girl, go and do it. Right? because

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it's more about the conversations. It's about what

you're sharing with people, how it moves people,

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and less about how it presents itself. And again,

you can get to that, right, as you continue to

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learn. But you have to start, and that is the key.

So, I'm so glad that you know, you went ahead and

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and you got started and you did the thing, right?

And yes, like you said, it was timing because God

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told you at 3:00 in the morning, right? He had

told you that And you know the thing about it

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is I learned that impact has nothing to do with

design, right? It doesn't have to be pretty to

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be impactful. And so, you know, if you do it

right, what it looks like, you know, it could

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it could look I mean, I won't say it look like

trash, but like it doesn't have to be pristine

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to have the impact that you wanted to have. What's

going to matter is how you made them feel and how

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you helped them transform and become who they

wanted to be in their most authentic selves.

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But not because my website was pretty and that

again that's one of the check marks is I needed

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a website. I needed to make sure it was pretty. I

needed to make sure that you know these pieces are

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designed. No, I didn't. But I I mean obviously I

needed the legalities. I needed a business name. I

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needed a you know the EIN. I needed tax ID. Like

I needed those things. Yes. But I didn't need a

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website to be able to be as impactful as I knew

that I could be because this was a gift that I I

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knew that I had and kind of being selfish holding

it to myself because I'm scared to put it out

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there. There are people who are waiting for that

gift, but if I never put it out there, they'll

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never receive it. Yes. And that is exactly what

my coach said to me. He said, "There are people

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who are waiting to hear from you." like you and

I can talk say the same thing to the same crowd,

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but it would only resonate coming from you because

it's your voice that they're waiting on. And

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you're absolutely right. And I love that you said

that part about being selfish because when we have

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gifts, when we know that that is a gift of ours,

it's something we're passionate about. We love to

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do. We, you know, we just do it naturally and we

keep it from people. Yeah, we are being selfish,

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right? We are keeping something from people. And

when we do step into our authenticity, step into

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our truth, live up to our gifts, we're allowing

people to do the same thing. We're allowing them

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to go ahead and say, "Well, you know what? Well,

if she did that thing, then I'm going to do the

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thing as well." Yep. Whatever that thing might

be. Whatever that thing is. Because how do I tell

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somebody to go do you and I'm over here not doing

me? So, right. to be the hypocrite to tell you

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you should do XYZ, but I'm over here, you know,

scared and and holding myself back and playing

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small because I'm afraid. Absolutely. Absolutely.

So, yes. Again, those who are watching, drop in

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the chat to let us know you're out there. Put

WooC um put dreamer if you're part of the Dream

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Lifestyle Collective. Drop a heart if you are a

family member. and drop those questions because

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we want to answer your questions as well.

So, Dr. Brandy, one more question before we

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go to break. You work with women who are clearly

capable, but something keeps getting in the way,

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and you talked about that for yourself. What do

you almost always find at the root of that? Um,

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using me as an example, me, right? But the thing

about it is and one thing that I actually actually

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the thing that I coach people on and the reason

why I call myself an identity architect or rather

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the identity architect is because through digging

and mining I figured out what what the things are

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right and there are self-sabotaging patterns like

a lot of times you know just like I talked about

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you know perfectionism where you know the kind

of the thought is um nothing will ever be done

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right. Right? I can never like it'll it'll not be

perfect. And so what do we do? We procrastinate

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because I'd rather not mess up so I just don't do

it. I'd rather not make a mistake so I just don't

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do it or you know nothing is ever good enough.

Right? And and that could be self as well. So

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perfectionism you know that's a pattern. It's a

pattern of behavior because at one point it kept

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us safe right you you know perfectionism you know

drives excellence. It drives achievement and you

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know we get rewarded when things look great and we

do do well like we seek that external validation

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because that defines our value that defines

our worth you know because somewhere along the

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line we are questioning our value and our worth

internally like I said we're not thinking we're

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good enough you know nothing's ever enough that's

I'm not enough and so we don't do certain things

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because of that fear but you know that fear of

messing up but also that fear of being judged.

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So perfectionism is one of those patterns that is

the root cause. Another one that comes up is like,

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you know what, Dr. B, before you answer that,

let's go ahead and take a quick break. All right.

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Hi, I'm Denino Garrett, a cultural alchemist who

shift shapes culture through storytelling. We're

0:16:11.120,0:16:19.200

writing through speaking through my top 20 women's

empowerment podcast. And if you're seeing this,

0:16:19.200,0:16:25.840

you're watching me on Women of Color Live, the

live version, the weekly live version of that

0:16:25.840,0:16:33.120

podcast. I am coming to you to ask you to vote

for me. I am in the running to become entrepreneur

0:16:33.120,0:16:51.760

of impact and it's going to take all of us to

get me there. So check this out and stay tuned.

0:16:51.760,0:16:56.800

All right. Well, welcome back to Women of Color

Live. We are talking about Women Who Build with

0:16:56.800,0:17:04.240

Dr. Brandy Pier. And before um Dr. B uh continues

talking about the root causes of the barriers

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um I want to also acknowledge that um Dr. B is

also um in the contest entrepreneur of impact

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right now we're not competing so that's a good

thing. So, it's okay for you to vote for both

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of us. And I just wanted to throw that out there,

right? Because again, it's about empowering women,

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right? And there's space and room for all

of us. And that's how we build and that's

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how we move through life and create legacy and

all the things by supporting one another. So,

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Dr. B, you talked about procrastination as one

of those root cause of barriers. What else? Um,

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so another one that comes up is proving, right?

the need or the desire to feel like you have to

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prove something to somebody outside of you. Right?

So again, you know, when I talked about before,

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we get the degrees, we get the promotions, and

it's let me not take away from the fact that we

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want those things and we we want to earn those

things, but some people it becomes, you know,

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kind of the overuse of it and you feel like I have

to do these things to prove it to other people.

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Um, one of mine I I say I'm in rehab for is the

people pleaser, right? And so trying to be uh keep

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everything harmonious, you know, I used to shrink

and I used to play small. So now you you know,

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one example, I put the doctor on my name. I mean,

I paid the money for it. I studied for it. It's

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not it wasn't easy, but I used to, you know, in

the beginning I played small, you know, oh Brandy,

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you know, and it was my friends, it was my family

who were like, no, you're doctor, right? So that

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was me shrinking and and you know humbling myself

and not acknowledging my accomplishments because

0:18:41.760,0:18:46.960

I I didn't want to seem like too much. And I know

there are a lot of women out there who you either

0:18:46.960,0:18:51.520

feel like you're not enough or you're too much.

So you feel like you're on the too much side. You

0:18:51.520,0:18:57.200

play small. But I I I promise you and one thing

that I learned, you are just enough for the right

0:18:57.200,0:19:02.320

people. And if you are too much for somebody,

they are not the right people. Not your people.

0:19:02.320,0:19:08.320

Yes. Say that. I had to I had to break out of

this people pleasing and not family, friends,

0:19:08.320,0:19:14.960

whoever it is because I used to make decisions to

please my family. Like a lot of the things that I

0:19:14.960,0:19:22.720

do now and who I am today, I broke a lot of uh

cycles, right? Having these degrees, you know,

0:19:22.720,0:19:27.680

my first move, I moved across country from

California to New York with a suitcase and

0:19:27.680,0:19:33.840

made a life. These are not things that I saw in my

history, but they are things that I wanted to do,

0:19:33.840,0:19:40.080

right? And so I had to learn to stop making

decisions for other people because they were

0:19:40.080,0:19:45.760

comfortable and instead do what made, you know,

made it feel right for me, what was right for me,

0:19:45.760,0:19:52.560

even if it looked different than what I was used

to seeing. Yeah. And you know what? And so so many

0:19:52.560,0:19:59.280

different things I want to pull out of what you

said and you said this several times and um and

0:19:59.280,0:20:05.680

I wanted to go back to that plain small because we

do do that and I do agree with you. Either we're

0:20:05.680,0:20:14.720

too much or we're shrinking. We're playing small.

Um and we and we need to stop. Period. We need to

0:20:14.720,0:20:22.000

stop that, right? Show up in your fullness. Show

up who you are and the right people will be there

0:20:22.000,0:20:26.480

for you, right? And if somebody has an issue with

you, they're not your people. They're not the

0:20:26.480,0:20:30.480

right people. They're not folks that you're going,

you know, you should build with. They're people

0:20:30.480,0:20:36.880

for you to like, you know, okay, you're cool over

there. Um, but I'm going in this direction. I'm

0:20:36.880,0:20:43.680

doing these things. I have accomplished. And we

have to remind ourselves of who we are, right?

0:20:43.680,0:20:52.880

Like you said, we have to remind ourselves who

t we are. And so, right, my friend told me that

0:20:52.880,0:20:59.680

exact same thing. She says, you know, the same way

you said, remember who TF you are and you know,

0:20:59.680,0:21:05.360

feel what you feel, but then remember who you are

and who'sse you are. Again, this are God's gift,

0:21:05.360,0:21:11.520

right? So remember who you are and who'sse you are

and don't shrink that because again like we talked

0:21:11.520,0:21:16.160

about before there are people waiting to hear your

gifts and see your gifts but if you keep shrinking

0:21:16.160,0:21:21.360

them then they miss out. They miss out right and

so maybe for those people because there are people

0:21:21.360,0:21:27.440

who you know they they do they're humble and

it's like oh I don't really want to what a lot

0:21:27.440,0:21:32.480

of people call bragging but it's not when it's a

fact it's a fact. Um oh I don't want it. So then

0:21:32.480,0:21:38.320

flip it then get away from yourself. Think about

the people who you're not serving when you're not

0:21:38.320,0:21:42.960

walking in your fullness. Think about the people

who are missing out because you are not showing

0:21:42.960,0:21:47.840

up in in your fullness. Another thing I wanted to

point out as well is you mentioned about the time

0:21:47.840,0:21:54.640

and whatnot. Um and I had shared this I think I

had posted posted this in the um collective but

0:21:54.640,0:22:02.480

I was at the women of power summit a few weeks ago

and Ozman St. John, she mentioned how her husband

0:22:02.480,0:22:08.800

um had got his cancer diagnosis six months

before he passed. And so the point of her

0:22:08.800,0:22:16.880

mentioning that was saying that in that six month

span, he was gone. So live your life. Yeah. Don't

0:22:16.880,0:22:22.800

wait for anything. If you want it, go for it.

Figure it out. Like I love Richard Branson, the

0:22:22.800,0:22:31.600

um founder of Virgin, all the things Virgin Virgin

Atlantic Voyages, all the things. Um he has this

0:22:31.600,0:22:36.320

um quote, and I kind of paraphrase it, but

when somebody presents you with an opportunity,

0:22:36.320,0:22:42.480

say yes and figure it out, right? Start do that.

Say yes to yourself because that's who you have to

0:22:42.480,0:22:47.600

say yes to first and then figure out how to make

happen what you want to make happen. We talked

0:22:47.600,0:22:52.240

about your business. That's kind of what you did

with your business. We talked about this podcast.

0:22:52.240,0:22:58.400

That's what I did with the podcast. I went ahead

and said, "Okay, fine. I'm doing it." And built it

0:22:58.400,0:23:05.120

out over time. And then, you know, you mentioned

uh procrastinating, people pleasing, and again,

0:23:05.120,0:23:10.160

the playing sports, uh playing small is some of

the barriers. What other barriers would you like

0:23:10.160,0:23:17.440

to uh point out that is probably important for

those who are watching or listening um to know? Um

0:23:17.440,0:23:23.280

I would say I'll give like two more. So one being

hyper independence and then the second one being

0:23:23.280,0:23:30.480

control. I know I know hyper independence, right?

I I got to do it myself, right? And a lot of that

0:23:30.480,0:23:38.240

comes from and I'm I'm guilty. Um somebody has

failed us in our life before, right? So you lose

0:23:38.240,0:23:43.920

trust. you you lose the trust in the fact that

you know if I give this to somebody they're going

0:23:43.920,0:23:48.720

to be able to handle it and take care of it right

and that could be in a professional space right so

0:23:48.720,0:23:53.120

some people don't delegate things because if that

if I don't do it it's not going to get done right

0:23:53.120,0:23:59.680

what is what what is that what does right mean

right my way and so I I tie in hyperindependence

0:23:59.680,0:24:05.600

and control because they kind of tie together is

I I got to do it myself because it's not going

0:24:05.600,0:24:10.800

to get done right also ties into like They all

connect perfectionism. But the control piece,

0:24:10.800,0:24:17.920

right, again, control means safety. If I can't

control it, it doesn't feel safe. It's dangerous,

0:24:17.920,0:24:23.440

right? And again, that goes back to, you

know, feeling like, you know, losing control,

0:24:23.440,0:24:28.560

you can't protect anything. And I always have this

joke with my friend, you know, I can control the

0:24:28.560,0:24:33.440

degrees that I get, but I can't control who loves

me, right? And so that in itself, you talked about

0:24:33.440,0:24:39.360

vulnerability, and I read the same book. There's

that vulnerability piece. And if you have control,

0:24:39.360,0:24:44.560

you're you're protecting your vulnerability

because somebody violated that vulnerability

0:24:44.560,0:24:49.280

before, right? They took your vulnerability as

weakness or they took advantage of it and when

0:24:49.280,0:24:53.520

you gave them that vulnerability, they threw

it back in your face. So if I have control,

0:24:53.520,0:25:01.120

I'm protecting myself from getting hurt or, you

know, getting, you know, used again or having my

0:25:01.120,0:25:06.800

vulnerability used against me. And so I I think

those are like the top five that I typically see

0:25:06.800,0:25:13.360

as root causes as to why we get in our own way.

So, you know, going back, it's the perfectionism,

0:25:13.360,0:25:21.760

people pleasing, proving, hyperindependence,

and control. Wow. Wow. Because you know what?

0:25:21.760,0:25:25.440

When you said that hyperindependence,

I'm like, "Oo, she talking about me."

0:25:26.880,0:25:33.360

I will tell you there was a situation and after

it was all said and done when I started sharing

0:25:33.360,0:25:41.120

it with other people person on my team said to me

you should have told us you know you're wrong for

0:25:41.120,0:25:47.840

not telling us it was about me it was a personal

situation um and he's like you didn't have to do

0:25:47.840,0:25:53.040

it alone you didn't have to go alone right and

so everything that you're saying because maybe

0:25:53.040,0:25:58.560

at some point somebody didn't come through for

us and we held on to that thing for the longest.

0:25:58.560,0:26:02.160

And it could have been a small thing. It could

have been years ago. It could have really been

0:26:02.160,0:26:08.480

a misperception. But whatever it was, we held on

to it and it then it just impacted the rest of our

0:26:08.480,0:26:15.920

lives and how we move through, right? And then

Yeah. It bruised us. And you know, every person

0:26:15.920,0:26:21.360

you interact with is not the person that hurt

you, but we we bring that, you know, they talk

0:26:21.360,0:26:29.200

about baggage. We bring that past into our future

and wonder why we struggle like why like you know

0:26:29.200,0:26:35.600

because we are getting in our own way because

we're not we're not trusting that this person

0:26:35.600,0:26:40.880

is not going to be that person you know and it is

hard being vulnerable and you know it's a lesson

0:26:40.880,0:26:46.560

I've I've learned over just like the last couple

years and actually I think it was in 2023 or 2024

0:26:46.560,0:26:54.720

I I had to write this talking piece for this uh

presentation I was doing on stage and I had to

0:26:54.720,0:26:59.040

like the goal was to tap into that that thing,

right? That thing that you don't want to tap

0:26:59.040,0:27:04.320

into because that is the heart of your story. And

that was it. That was it is that being vulnerable,

0:27:04.320,0:27:11.440

trusting people. I I had found my tribe and that

was, you know, I'm in my 40s and there were a lot

0:27:11.440,0:27:17.280

of years between, you know, that moment and

and prior to that where I didn't trust people

0:27:17.280,0:27:21.840

enough to say, you know what, like you like your

team told you, you didn't have to do that alone.

0:27:21.840,0:27:27.440

Yeah. A lot of times you don't have to do things

alone, but we do it because you're afraid to be

0:27:27.440,0:27:34.560

vulnerable with the wrong people. Yes. At the same

time, how then, you know, again, going back to the

0:27:34.560,0:27:41.680

selfish thing, how then do you build these deep

relationships with people if you don't let them

0:27:41.680,0:27:47.360

in? You want them to let you in, right? You you

tell me everything. Like, I'm here. I'm listen.

0:27:47.360,0:27:53.120

I'm your open ear. You can tell me anything.

You can trust me. And yet, we're not spit. Like,

0:27:53.120,0:28:00.880

when they try to do the thing for us, we're like,

I'm not I can't do it. And so again, we talk talk

0:28:00.880,0:28:05.280

about being uh hypocritical. How do we want

somebody to trust us, but then we not willing

0:28:05.280,0:28:11.040

to trust them? Absolutely. And you know, and I

also think that yes, the vulnerability, the fear.

0:28:11.040,0:28:16.320

I also believe Well, it's it's still the fear. I

think a fear of being vulnerable. And then I also

0:28:16.320,0:28:22.400

think it's a fe fear of success as well. Like I

think about Akquila to be and that poem that she

0:28:22.400,0:28:27.920

uh read I believe is by Marian um somebody

Wilkerson or something like that. But anyway about

0:28:27.920,0:28:34.080

you know our greatest for fear is actually being

a success getting all the things that we we say

0:28:34.080,0:28:40.480

we want part of it as well. It is it's absolutely

a fear of success because the thing about it is

0:28:40.480,0:28:44.960

we're comfortable where we are. Yes. No matter no

matter it's fear of failure or fear of success.

0:28:44.960,0:28:52.560

We're comfortable where we are. And you know just

a quick uh snippet like I just moved in June. Like

0:28:52.560,0:28:56.960

again, I know I moved to New York, but I moved

in June because I wanted to be full-time in my

0:28:56.960,0:29:01.680

business. I wanted to be a full-time entrepreneur.

And like I told you, you know, looking at

0:29:01.680,0:29:06.640

uh living through other people's expectations or

feeling like I had to people please, you know,

0:29:06.640,0:29:12.960

this didn't please a lot of people. Me up,

you know, up and quitting my my good job and

0:29:12.960,0:29:20.240

focusing full time on my entrepreneurship. But the

thing about it is, you know, the fear of success,

0:29:20.240,0:29:26.080

right? What's going to happen? because it will

when I do blow up, you know, am I going to,

0:29:26.080,0:29:30.960

you know, what does that come with? And so,

a lot of times we get stuck in the bubble of,

0:29:30.960,0:29:35.600

well, let me struggle because I'm comfortable

with struggling. Let me let me suffer. Let me

0:29:35.600,0:29:40.320

fight because I'm comfortable at fighting. But if

there's a life on the other side that is abundant

0:29:40.320,0:29:44.400

and you don't have to fight, yes, you need those

skills because you still need those fighting

0:29:44.400,0:29:49.040

skills to run your business, but you don't have

to struggle. And so to choose struggle because

0:29:49.040,0:29:53.520

that's where you're comfortable. And that's a

lot of people. A lot of people choose to struggle

0:29:53.520,0:29:58.080

because that's where they're comfortable rather

than taking the steps to not have to struggle.

0:29:58.080,0:30:02.480

I'm taking the steps so I don't have to struggle

because what I want to do is I want I want to

0:30:02.480,0:30:07.280

fight for my impact and I want to fight to help

a lot of people but I don't want to have to be

0:30:07.280,0:30:14.320

fighting myself like in whatever way that means. I

don't want to have to fight myself. So yes, a lot

0:30:14.320,0:30:19.920

of us we are afraid of success as well because

what does it look like on the other side and is

0:30:19.920,0:30:24.880

that going to change me or what's going to happen

and you know will I become so big I can't figure

0:30:24.880,0:30:30.000

out what to do with it. They got professionals

that can help you know coaches like me they

0:30:30.000,0:30:35.680

got therapists they got you know we can make it

happen like don't don't not do something because

0:30:35.680,0:30:40.800

you are afraid of what's going to be on the other

side. Absolutely. That's the figure out part that

0:30:40.800,0:30:45.200

I said of that quote, right? When something was

presented to you, you want something, whatever,

0:30:45.200,0:30:50.000

figure it out. Do it, say yes, and then figure

it out. And there's people to help and support

0:30:50.000,0:30:54.960

you. So, give me like three things that we should

do. So, we've talked a lot about the barriers and,

0:30:54.960,0:31:00.160

you know, all the things, the playing small, the

perfectionism, procrastinating, people pleasing,

0:31:00.160,0:31:07.360

hyperindependence, and control. Maybe like what's

three things that we should do instead? Um,

0:31:07.360,0:31:14.080

number one, do. do it. Just do it. Like

number one, two or three are probably do it,

0:31:14.080,0:31:19.920

but do it scared. Believe in yourself the way

you believe in other people. Um, you know, again,

0:31:19.920,0:31:24.960

we are our greatest critics and the greatest

advocates for other people. And we need to be

0:31:24.960,0:31:35.040

able to be our own advocate and flip that around.

Um, I would say give yourself the compassion,

0:31:35.040,0:31:40.560

grace, and mercy you give other people

because again as your number one critic,

0:31:40.560,0:31:46.640

we fight ourselves. We talk about all the things

that are wrong and all the things we can't do. And

0:31:46.640,0:31:51.120

but if if and one of my friends actually said, "If

you were telling this to me or if you were telling

0:31:51.120,0:31:56.720

this to another friend, what would you say?" And

I'd be so much nicer. I'd be I'd be so much more

0:31:56.720,0:32:03.280

of a cheerleader. Like, no, you can do it. So,

being able to play that role for yourself, right?

0:32:03.280,0:32:09.200

Don't beat yourself up. We all make we all mess

up. We all, you know, again, if you do it scared,

0:32:09.200,0:32:15.040

you you're gonna mess up. You're gonna fumble a

little bit. But the the the thing about it is what

0:32:15.040,0:32:20.800

do you do when you get back up, right? Look at

your resilience and be proud of yourself. like I'm

0:32:20.800,0:32:25.520

proud of myself for all the choices that I made

that I could have been like I don't know that I

0:32:25.520,0:32:34.080

can do this. Um you get to see how resilient you

are and again confidence comes from practice. So

0:32:34.080,0:32:41.520

I would say do right do it scared and then give

yourself the grace p compassion and mercy you

0:32:41.520,0:32:46.640

give other people. So ask yourself what would

I tell my friend? What would I tell my family

0:32:46.640,0:32:51.920

member? And if what you would tell them sounds a

lot nicer than what you're telling yourself, then

0:32:51.920,0:32:56.480

you need to go ahead and play nice with yourself.

Absolutely. Right. And maybe record it. Like if

0:32:56.480,0:33:01.360

you're whatever you say to somebody, record that

and play it back for yourself. And you know,

0:33:01.360,0:33:06.240

one thing that I do, um, and I'm a proponent

of this, so however you keep track of things,

0:33:06.240,0:33:13.680

whether it's writing it down, typing it up, uh,

on your laptop, uh, voice notes, whatever it is,

0:33:13.680,0:33:21.520

keep track of your wins, regardless of the size,

any win. Like what happened with me? Um, okay,

0:33:21.520,0:33:29.200

yesterday I had a refund from something, right? It

was something that I I held myself accountable by

0:33:29.200,0:33:34.880

holding someone else accountable and that resulted

in me getting a refund. So that's kind of a small,

0:33:34.880,0:33:40.640

right? But I'm celebrating myself on that. We're

both celebrating ourselves on being part of the

0:33:40.640,0:33:48.640

entrepreneur of impact um process and and that's

that's a huge process and you know the visibility

0:33:48.640,0:33:55.040

and exposure that comes along with that, right? So

that's that's a win as well. you're preparing for

0:33:55.040,0:34:03.840

um I hope it's okay to mention go for it. Okay.

TEDex. Okay. That's huge. Right. So we we again

0:34:03.840,0:34:11.520

who remind yourself who TF you are in a way of

doing that is keeping track. So again however

0:34:11.520,0:34:18.640

you keep track write it down voice notes etc.

remind yourself and read read it often. Right.

0:34:18.640,0:34:25.520

And also one thing I want to add to that is even

if we define the win as small, it's big to me,

0:34:25.520,0:34:32.320

right? It's big because if if it took a lot for me

to take that step, it's big to me. And you know,

0:34:32.320,0:34:38.000

I don't and I say that because I don't want us to

also minimize, oh, it was just this because that's

0:34:38.000,0:34:42.800

playing small and and humbling ourselves and

humbling our accomplishments as if it wasn't a big

0:34:42.800,0:34:48.000

deal. If it's something you really wanted, even

if it was small, but you it took you forever to

0:34:48.000,0:34:55.760

do it, it's big to you, right? So, I say celebrate

them all as big wins because every win is it gets

0:34:55.760,0:35:00.400

bigger, right? It's like that the avalanche like

that little snowball gets bigger and bigger and

0:35:00.400,0:35:06.640

eventually you start to kind of automate that

confidence. Yeah. And you know, it's it it it's

0:35:06.640,0:35:13.440

no more no longer something that you do scared,

but it's like I got this like You see what I did

0:35:13.440,0:35:18.240

before and for that's that's one of the things I

had to had to tell myself. I've done hard things

0:35:18.240,0:35:23.840

before, right? Like I said, I moved across country

with nothing but a suitcase and I I made the life

0:35:23.840,0:35:29.680

like I I lived in the East Coast for about 20

years when it was only supposed to be two. Um,

0:35:29.680,0:35:35.120

but you know, I made a life and I survived and

and and you know, I learned that you know, I mean,

0:35:35.120,0:35:41.920

everyone who knows it, if you can live in New York

City, you can live pretty much anywhere. Listen,

0:35:41.920,0:35:47.440

I managed 20 years. I think I got it. You know, I

think you got it, too. I had to I had to celebrate

0:35:47.440,0:35:52.240

that, right? Because even just the fact that I

moved and my entire family is on the West Coast.

0:35:52.240,0:35:57.840

So, nobody was there. There was nobody to run to.

Even when things, you know, I I was like, "Oh my

0:35:57.840,0:36:04.800

god, I didn't run back home. I figured it out."

Yeah. And so, I had to remind myself, girl, you've

0:36:04.800,0:36:09.520

done hard before. You can do this. And that's what

I have to keep telling myself whenever I'm like,

0:36:09.520,0:36:15.440

"Oh my god, I don't think I can do this." Girl,

you did it before. Yep. Let's go. Feel what you

0:36:15.440,0:36:20.800

feel and then get over it. And then again,

remember who you are. Yep. And you know what?

0:36:20.800,0:36:25.600

Here's the thing that also just came to mind. So

behind you is the vision board. In front of me is

0:36:25.600,0:36:30.640

a vision board. Put yourself on that vision board

to remind yourself of what you've accomplished,

0:36:30.640,0:36:36.160

right? Keep it in front of you as a reminder

like you did that thing, right? Um, and you

0:36:36.160,0:36:42.160

can do even more and bigger things and and go for

it. So, you've kind of already touched on this,

0:36:42.160,0:36:47.600

but I want to ask this question specifically.

Um, what do you want the woman watching to walk

0:36:47.600,0:36:58.080

away and build or stop waiting to start? Um, yes.

So, I want them to, and I did mention it before,

0:36:58.080,0:37:04.560

I want them to give themselves gratitude. like

your old self. Thank that. Thank that version

0:37:04.560,0:37:09.680

of you, right? Because you needed that version

of you to get where you are today, right? You

0:37:09.680,0:37:15.920

you survived. You you know that that person,

that perfectionist, that that people pleaser,

0:37:15.920,0:37:22.560

that you know, the strong one, right? I'm in rehab

from being the strong one, too. But that person,

0:37:22.560,0:37:27.280

you needed to be that person in that moment

in your life. There were circumstances in our

0:37:27.280,0:37:34.640

lives where we had to be that person. Today,

we don't have to be that person. So, again,

0:37:34.640,0:37:40.720

give yourself grace. Thank you because you,

you know, you needed her when you needed her,

0:37:40.720,0:37:49.040

but now you've outgrown her. And so, thank her,

recognize her, thank her, and then let her go.

0:37:49.040,0:37:55.760

And you know what? Another thing I want to add to

that is go ahead and mourn. Mourn. Yes. you will

0:37:55.760,0:38:01.840

grieve because there there there's a lot that's

tied to that. So again, we talk about having that

0:38:01.840,0:38:08.880

um the hyperindependence, right? You needed that

because somebody in the past hurt you, right? And

0:38:08.880,0:38:15.760

you haven't grieved the feelings that come with

that because that person's in the past like long

0:38:15.760,0:38:21.120

gone. That person that not even thinking about you

anymore, but like don't even know they hurt you

0:38:21.120,0:38:25.200

probably. Right. Right. Because we probably

kept it to ourselves. We don't say nothing,

0:38:25.200,0:38:30.880

but we held on to the the energy that it brought

to us and and the hurt that it caused us. And yes,

0:38:30.880,0:38:36.720

you have to grieve those moments of letting go

of that version of you. You know, you got to let

0:38:36.720,0:38:45.760

her go and grieve it and then move on. Yeah. Yeah.

And sometimes, you know what? It's also a safety.

0:38:45.760,0:38:52.320

It's for sure a safety, right? Blanket type thing.

Like you hold on to that because it's comfortable.

0:38:52.320,0:38:57.600

it keeps you safe and it actually and it could be

a good thing, right? But at some point when it's

0:38:57.600,0:39:02.560

keeping you from the life that you want, that's

when it's time to go ahead and let that thing

0:39:02.560,0:39:08.240

go. And so I'm going to ask this as well, which

again, we've we've talked about this a lot, but

0:39:08.240,0:39:15.120

specifically for the woman wondering if she has

what it takes, what permission would you give her?

0:39:15.840,0:39:26.320

I give her permission to be all the way

to her. Um, and sometimes, and you know,

0:39:26.320,0:39:31.440

growing isn't always about adding more to our

lives. Sometimes it's about letting go of some

0:39:31.440,0:39:36.880

of the things to make ourselves lighter so that

we can move forward, right? Letting go of all

0:39:36.880,0:39:42.960

of the the the chains and the shackles and the

bricks and the past and the hurt and the pain.

0:39:43.680,0:39:49.680

I give you permission to let that go so

that you can be who you are today truly,

0:39:49.680,0:39:57.920

fully, authentically and and be free,

you know, you know, be unshakable,

0:39:57.920,0:40:05.360

right? Be confident and be unshakable. Be

true to who you are. And you don't need to be,

0:40:05.360,0:40:11.760

you know, what other people want you to be if

that's not who you truly are. I love that. So

0:40:11.760,0:40:17.360

you don't wait for permission, you become it.

Everything rises to meet you. And that's the

0:40:17.360,0:40:23.120

dream lifestyle standard. So join us inside

the Dream Lifestyle Collective for Strategy,

0:40:23.120,0:40:31.680

sisterhood, and structure built for black women

50 plus. All right, here's our last one before

0:40:31.680,0:40:37.040

we say goodbye to everybody before we wrap up.

What would you like those watching or listening,

0:40:37.040,0:40:49.840

what would you like to leave them with? Um, I

think what I would want to leave them with is

0:40:49.840,0:40:56.000

real short, be unshakable. And if you need

help with figuring out what that looks like,

0:40:56.000,0:41:02.320

you know, find find your tribe. Um, you

can also follow me on social media. My

0:41:02.320,0:41:11.520

social media uh handle is right there. Um,

for IG is Dr. D r period be ec r a n d y.

0:41:11.520,0:41:19.280

Um you can catch me on my YouTube which is be

empowered LLC. So again be unshakable. Be so

0:41:19.280,0:41:24.640

confident in yourself where somebody somebody

might consider it arrogance but you know it's

0:41:24.640,0:41:27.520

confidence right? There's a difference

between arrogance and confidence. And

0:41:27.520,0:41:33.280

when you come correct it's confidence. When

it intimidates somebody else it's arrogance,

0:41:33.280,0:41:38.640

right? But that's not your problem. That's theirs.

So find your right people, find your right tribe,

0:41:38.640,0:41:44.640

and be unshakable. I love it. I love it. I love

it. Be unshakable. So those that are watching,

0:41:44.640,0:41:50.080

listening, um share this with a woman who needs

to be reminded that legacy is what you're building

0:41:50.080,0:41:58.480

right now. A shout out again to the Leon Thomas

um group for production. And we'll be back next

0:41:58.480,0:42:04.480

week and every Thursday at 1:00 p.m. Eastern

here or your favorite podcast platform with

0:42:04.480,0:42:25.360

Santana Inis. She is the founder and executive

director of the Globe Initiative. Until next week.