Suprit Gupta: Breaking Brown, Becoming Bold | WOC Live — The Reclamation Series

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[0:00:02] We're taught that being agreeable keeps us safe, but what happens when a woman decides safety was never the point? Freedom was. Today we find out. Let's go.

[0:00:28] Welcome to Women of Color, An Intimate Conversation. I'm Deneen L. Garrett, the creator and host of this top 5% podcast. We center and empower women of color. We also have a free newsletter built specifically for Black women 50 plus the Dream Lifestyle Collective. Go to deneenlgarrett.com to get started. I want to shout out our production team, the Leon Thomas Group, and especially today's producer, Oryne Stewart Sr.

[0:00:59] Today's guest is Suprit Gupta, licensed associate marriage and family therapist, cultural disruptor, and founder of Amara Counseling and Breaking Brown, Becoming Bold. Suprit helps women, especially women of color, unlearn survival patterns and step into emotional freedom, drawing on a rare blend of clinical training and lived experience after transitioning from a career in tech to therapy in her 40s. So this month, we continue the Reclamation Series, Reclaim Your Voice, Own Your Power. Suprit's work is a masterclass in what it costs women to stay agreeable and what it takes to finally choose themselves.

[0:01:43] Suprit, welcome to Women of Color. Thank you so much, Deneen. The intro made me a little teary, but it was beautiful. So thank you for that. Oh, absolutely. And I want to shout out Dr.

[0:01:57] Sheru. So Dr. Charu was a guest. I think she was on in probably in March and she recommended you and here, here we are. So I love that.

[0:02:08] Phenomenal. So she's phenomenal. We love her. She does some great work and I'm so appreciative that she connected us. Absolutely. And then another thing that we just found out that another one of my guests, Reema, you know her as well.

[0:02:24] So that is such a small world. And we're on two sides. I know, I mean, yeah, the world is getting smaller and smaller. It is. It is. Right.

[0:02:35] I love it. I love it. I love it. All right. So Suprit, you built a successful career in tech before becoming a therapist in your 40s while raising the family and navigating profound personal loss. What made you walk away from something that was working to build something that mattered more?

[0:02:56] You know, Deneen, it was just one of those nights or mornings, call it a midlife crisis. Or maybe, and this was before my dad passed away, my dad passed away during my education for marriage and family therapy. So I woke up one morning and I was just reflecting and I'm like, I've been living a life of regrets. I look back into my life and like so much of my life is full of regrets and I don't want to live it like that anymore. I'm done. And that's the moment I'm like, what do I need to not?

[0:03:34] When I'm 80 or 90 or 60 and I'm dying, what is the one thing I want to change? One of the things, what will I not regret? That was the moment I start changing my life around. And I was like, I'm done. I'm going to live life for myself now. And that's when I was like, I'm going to start with doing what I need to do.

[0:03:54] So I gave up a six figure paying job in tech and started from scratch. We went to therapy school. I got my master's and forties with little kids with in-laws at home and I just seized my moment. That's what it was. I love that for you. I love that you chose yourself.

[0:04:16] And that's what we talk a lot about on this podcast, choosing yourself and powering yourself, like figuring out what is that thing that brings you great joy in going full on out after it. Right. Yes. Yes. So those who are watching, tap in, drop something in the comments. Let us know that you're out there.

[0:04:38] If you have any questions, you just want to, you know, shout out and let us know you're there. Do so. We like to engage with the, with the audience. Absolutely. Right. So you named your platform, Breaking Brown Becoming Bold.

[0:04:53] What is Brown, the thing you're breaking and what does bold look like on the other side of it? Absolutely. I love that you asked that question. Um, Brown is a women of color. It really is women and men. I'm, I know your podcast is geared to women.

[0:05:10] I, I have a more egalitarian approach to life because sometimes I do think men get sidelined, but yes, women for sure. Do take the bigger hit in life. So Brown is anyone who is not white. Right. It's, it's a different culture, different. So immigrants, first born immigrants, any, anyone, it was actually meant for more South Asian, but then I'm like, there's so many Brown people around.

[0:05:43] We're just not South Asians. We're, we're Latino descent. We are coming from, uh, Native Americans. And there is, you know, and of course, like as part of a Brown, right? Like we're all the same. We're all cut from the same cloth.

[0:05:56] Someone just got the darker shade and some of the lighter shades. So just that's what it is. It's Brown is just immigrants and women of color. And, uh, breaking Brown means the conditioning that we came with. So because you're a Brown person, you're molded a certain way. You, so being an Indian girl, you're molded a certain way.

[0:06:20] You're molded growing up saying, Hey, you got to learn how to cook. If you don't know how to cook, how are you going to keep your in-laws happy? Or, Hey, you got to learn how to clean the house. Otherwise your husband's going to complain. How are we going to raise your family if you don't know how to do this? So from younger, from childhood till, till we get married, we're conditioned

[0:06:41] to fit into this mold and then it's after you get married, the woman again is expected to maintain the peace within the relationships. You're in a toxic relationship. Well, it's not your husband's fault. It's your own got to break. You got to continue doing and making yourself better.

[0:07:04] So it's, it's that mold that we're putting and breaking that mold is breaking that Brown and becoming bold is claiming your own space. Be like, I am not here to thin that mold. I am me. You either take me or you leave me, but I'm, I'm done being that agreeable person. I will be agreeable.

[0:07:25] Of course I love my kids. I am agreeable to them at times, but being agreeable is not my only job in life. It's not my only expectation, not my only role in life. So that's what it is becoming bold, claim your space. Yeah. And you know what?

[0:07:42] And just listening to you and even thinking about some of the, you know, part of the conversations that we were having beforehand. I mean, that takes courage to be bold, right? Being bold takes courage, choosing yourself. Chooses, you know, takes courage. And again, coming from the type of family that you raise in culturally, the

[0:08:02] things that, you know, are expected of you, you just said it's the woman. If there's something, the marriage is not going right. It's, it's only the woman to correct that. Right. And so for you to say, you know what? No, no, no, no, we're not doing that.

[0:08:17] Um, takes a lot of courage and boldness. Absolutely. So I, I have one tagline that says breaking, um, breaking brown building bold, and my other one is breaking brown, raising bold. I'm raising my kids to be bold and not fit into that mold that is often put on them by other people in our culture.

[0:08:40] So, so I'm like, okay, you are in a relationship. Let's figure out the red flags together. You don't have to do this alone. Let's make you bold so you can stand up and you can have a voice wherever you go, be it in corporate world, use friends, or be in relationships. So tell, tell us a little bit more about still where this boldness came from.

[0:09:01] I do understand how you mentioned, you know, when your, your dad had passed and you woke up and you made this decision, but there has to be a little bit more to it or what more to it is there. And I, and I asked this because again, coming from your culture, right? I mean, it's, it's embedded, you know what I'm saying? It really is an absolutely, I mean, extreme bold is extreme courage for you

[0:09:25] to go ahead and decide, you know, what we're breaking us and we're becoming this other thing. So what else do you think kind of, um, got you there?

[0:09:37] A long history of being in toxic relationships and, uh, and living for someone else, I just lost my voice. I was living a miserable life. Um, a little disclosure, I, I got diagnosed with aneurysm, brain aneurysm. And, uh, in 2018, and I didn't realize why I was getting, I got that brain aneurysm. It's because I was internalizing everything around me to be that agreeable person.

[0:10:11] It was costing my health without even realizing that. So for me, becoming bold was what do I want? I matter too. It, this house is just not for my husband, my in-laws, my mom, my kids. I exist too.

[0:10:35] What do I, So how was that? How was that though, for them, how did they receive that?

[0:10:42] You know, my in-laws were very supportive. Okay. They were supportive. Um, it was, it was a little turbulent in times, right? Because again, it was something new. They were, they were, they were very supportive in the ways they could support

[0:10:59] me, but of course it's, it's not an easy pill to swallow. So they did their best at times. Um, it was a little turbulent for my husband to digest it, but he also did whatever he could to support me. He would support me and then he would be lost, right? But he did his best to show up for me.

[0:11:21] Right. Um, at times he would just be like, you're on this war path. You're on this war path. So my boldness to him looked like I was on a war path. So I was like, no, I'm not on a war path just because I'm not choosing to bow down doesn't mean I'm on a war path.

[0:11:39] Uh, but overall my in-laws and their husband were very supportive. What was kind of shocking was comments from other people. It was comments were like, well, you're going to neglect your kids, you're not going to take care of your kids. Isn't it time for them to go to school and not you?

[0:12:00] You had such a good job. Why are you leaving your job? Why are you putting, I mean, why are you putting yourself out there? Just why are you rocking the boat?

[0:12:11] How can you do this? How can you choose yourself? How selfish are you? Isn't your role to take care of your kids now? And this came from educated people. Yeah.

[0:12:22] Not talking about people who are, um, I, who are just don't have any degree or don't have any experience in life. This comes from people who have very good experience, who are, who are doctors, who are, uh, engineers, right? It's from them. And it came from men and women.

[0:12:44] Yeah. And you know what? That's because people fear, right? They fear that because sometimes they think, well, oh my God, if you're doing that, then that means I have to do it. Or, you know, that's, uh, unveiling something, unveiling something with them.

[0:12:56] And then they're scared of it. And I'm like, oh my God, that's different. That's, I don't know what to do with that. Um, and that's where a lot of that comes from is, is them is, is never us. It's always something that's within them. Do you find that in the work that you do?

[0:13:13] All the time. There's a lot of projection that happens, right? Projection is, uh, and there's a lot of criticism that comes because if I'm doing something, that means I'm, if I'm challenging the society, they're like, why are you doing it? Just like I call up the so-called norm and they're agreeing with that norm.

[0:13:37] That means they have to change something. They don't want you. So they'll, they will rather keep and get me to be quiet so they can be comfortable. Think about this. Think about being a whistleblower. So you're basically being a whistleblower in your culture.

[0:13:54] You're calling out your culture. Right. And once the whistleblower always walks the path alone.

[0:14:02] So it's a very lonely journey at times. You do get a lot of criticism, but as long as you believe in yourself and you believe for what you're standing up for is correct, that's true to yourself and your belief, that's all that matters. I, my friends can have a different belief and I would respect that. But if it's, that's not working out for me, I will change that, but me changing

[0:14:24] doesn't mean they need to change. And at times people think that if they believe in something, everyone else has to believe, otherwise they have to change it. Yeah. There's no room for true realities to exist. Yeah.

[0:14:37] And you know, and I mean, and what happens is sometimes you just have to leave those people behind. Not everybody is meant to go on that journey with you, right? So when you're going to that next level of your life, whatever, not everybody can go because not everybody is of that mindset. They don't support it.

[0:14:53] They don't understand it. They don't want to do it. Um, and that's okay. But as long as you don't allow them to keep you back, just keep it moving. And you said the right word. You said allow you allow them.

[0:15:07] We forget that how much power we have given to other people to control us. So becoming bold in essence to me is taking that power back from them, taking my power back. I will allow myself and no one else gets to allow me. So that's what becoming bold is. So what shift did you, did you notice in your family, right?

[0:15:32] So when you started becoming bold and in, in owning your journey, how did that positively impact your family?

[0:15:44] I see my mother-in-law speaking up a little bit more. I see my mom speaking up a little bit more. I've seen my mom transitioning from being, my mom used to, I thought my mom was very progressive growing up, but in, in my middle thirties, I realized she's actually very aggressive, but now I'm seeing her shift to that progressiveness again.

[0:16:07] I see her taking a stand. I see her standing up for other women in our culture and saying, no, you should go do this. I see her encouraging it. I see my mother-in-law doing that. And the biggest impact is not for the generations above me, it's the

[0:16:26] generations below me that matter to me, right? So my kids, I see my daughter having a voice and I absolutely love that she has a voice and she's not afraid to use it, right? And, and my older one, if she's changing her voice, it'll impact my younger one too. Yeah.

[0:16:44] So I love it. I absolutely love that. So now what about with your husband and your father and your father-in-law, um, when the shift came about, you know, I know you said, you know, they were pretty much supportive, but again, we're talking about, you know, you, you just said your mom and your mother-in-law, how they're speaking up

[0:17:05] more, so, and that's different for the men, right? Um, my husband, we're thinking such a sweetheart. He is trying to wrap around his head, uh, around the changes, right? He, some days he was, and he walks on eggshells around me now. I don't say that probably, but I'm kind of proud about it. Um, it's a dynamics of shifted where he goes, I am trying to show up for you.

[0:17:33] I am trying to do this, but I'm going to make a mistake, but he's learning. He's putting a full effort into learning. And I see that shift happening inside him. Um, I don't know where he goes out and buys a book to work on our relationship. That's his needs, her needs. I didn't even tell him.

[0:17:53] So he's definitely seeing that I need to show up differently for her now because she is not that woman. I, that three year old agreeable Indian woman. I married with her. She, I need to change within me. And he's, he's working so hard to bring those changes inside him.

[0:18:12] My father-in-law is become more subdued because he's losing. I feel like he's losing his ground a little bit. So occasionally he'll start something with me. He'll have a discussion with me. Then he goes, okay, then moving on. I'm like, okay.

[0:18:28] So I think he's still, he's also trying. He's also very progressive for that generation, right? Because I do see it in my sister-in-law, the way my sister-in-law was raised. I am very, very fortunate from the family I come from to the family. I was married because I look around me, not all my friends got that progressive breathing and didn't get all progressive in-laws.

[0:18:55] Yeah. I was very fortunate to see and experience both of them. And yet, yes, they're progressive with a grain of salt, right? So they're progressive the best they can do with the culture. They were, the mold they were put in. So he's also learning to give me my space and let me be.

[0:19:17] So, and he's kind of backtracking a little bit so I can have that space. Yeah. And I love that. I love that. So, you know, you said it. Um, not everybody is as fortunate to have that type of family, right?

[0:19:32] So whether they're in-laws or the family, how you were raised. So how are you, um, consulting, um, those that you see your clients? How are you, how are you helping them who don't have that progressive background, um, environment? How are you coaching them to be bold? That's a great question.

[0:19:52] Our culture, South Asian culture, and I, and I don't want to just limit it to South Asian culture. I think women all across universally, right? Are, are meant to be bowing down. They're positioned to be in a weaker spot. They're taught to be always be here and be subservient.

[0:20:18] So when my clients come, all I'm helping them do is elevating them and repositioning them that it's an equal level playing field. So we, I reposition them by instilling confidence, instilling their own desires, their hopes, and, um, choosing themselves and finding their voice and not to be afraid. So we work on repositioning all the time.

[0:20:49] That's where we go. And the focus is on that individual. How, and does it, you know, what about the people around them? What about, Thank you. That's what I forgot.

[0:20:58] That's the thought I had. And I just couldn't remember challenging social norms. So challenging social constructs. Yes. Right. And, um, just like, for instance, someone will come to me.

[0:21:15] They're like, I don't want to have a baby, but I'm being forced to have a baby. Why are you being forced to have a baby? They're like, but I think I should have a baby. Why do you think you should have a baby? Because that's the right thing to do.

[0:21:31] So then we challenge that, but is that the right thing for you to do? Right. What is the right thing for you? Just because it's right for someone else doesn't make it right for you. So it gets very granular. We break it down to the most, like, think of it as an atomic level.

[0:21:48] We break it down to. And we start challenging and still encourage a lot of courage. So they have to believe in what they need and want. That's what it starts from. Yes. And I love the emphasis on you, the individual, because I think, you

[0:22:08] know, as you said, women, you know, we're, we're raised in the environments to be subservient and whatnot. And so women have a hard time putting themselves first. And we have to. Right. And the thing about it is, again, I say this, you know, on the plane, put

[0:22:24] your mask on first before somebody else is like, if you're not together, how can you help somebody else? And so how that's how that's not at the forefront, you know, is, is really baffling, but again, it's because of how we've been conditioned and raised, so it's a lot of work to, to focus on ourselves. Right.

[0:22:42] It's not, it's very difficult because again, there's a lot of nervous system work that goes into it because your nervous system from the childhood is so used to and conditioned to being in such a way that it got used to it. Now, when you do something different, your nervous system defies you. It makes it so miserable for you to do something different because it'll

[0:23:04] put anxiety in you, it'll put stress in you, it'll put fear in you. Not because you're doing something wrong, but it makes you feel you're doing something wrong because it's different from the mold. Yeah. So we do a lot of nervous system work to calm it down. Like you have to recognize this is not wrong.

[0:23:22] It's just different and your nervous system is not used to it.

[0:23:27] That's a key point is difference. Yes. And it's not used to. Yeah. That's, that's valid, right? So when you're starting to feel funny or whatever, that's it.

[0:23:37] It's just, it's different. It's not used to that and you're okay. Like keep going, keep moving. I love that. Yes. So super sirens are going in your head and you just got to calm

[0:23:48] your nervous system. Like, Oh no, what is happening? Exactly. So we're not used to doing that, but no, we're going to, in practice, right? That's where they say practice.

[0:24:02] You know, you have to keep doing it, practicing, et cetera. Yes. Doing it that one time is not going to necessarily click. Yeah. No, Anthony, sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off earlier, but, um, it was, you know, it starts with so small.

[0:24:15] Think about this, my first of my, my, my, my first homework, usually to a client is I want you to go in a restaurant and order something for yourself that you want. Not that what your family picks for you. Can you look at the menu and say what you want? And so many times women are like, I don't even know what I want in a restaurant.

[0:24:39] It's that small a step. Wow.

[0:24:44] Wow. It is, it is truly a pivot. It is truly a shift. Right. It really is. Wow.

[0:24:52] That that's a lot of work there to not even know what you want. Something as like you said, as small as ordering food, like, I don't know. I don't know. I just order for everybody else. I just know what everybody else orders and I made right off the plate or something like that.

[0:25:06] They can, they can tell you their family's entire Starbucks order, but tell them pick something in there. They wouldn't know what to order. Yeah. Like. Danger, Will Rogers, danger, danger, danger.

[0:25:20] Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So no, we need to break that. Right? Like that's what we need.

[0:25:26] We need to break that in and be bold. So super. It's so many women of color were handed the same script. Like you said, be agreeable, be silent, be self-sacrificing. I want to know what it actually costs a woman to keep performing that script. So stay with us.

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[0:27:30] All right. So welcome back to women of color and intimate conversation. Today we're talking about the cost of staying agreeable and what it takes to reclaim your voice with Suprit Gupta. And before the break, I asked Supri, what it actually costs a woman to keep performing the script.

[0:27:46] She was handed.

[0:27:52] Repeat your question because I was going to ask you something else.

[0:27:58] So what does it cost the woman to keep performing the script? She was handed. So just to stay, right? That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Um, it costs them everything.

[0:28:09] It costs a woman every single cell in their body. It costs them their mental peace. It costs them their emotional peace, physical and psychological, because at the end of the day, when they're given, they're constantly from the day, from like time they can understand life from four or five years old, they're asked, just just keep on bending, bending, bending.

[0:28:45] They lose their voice. They don't know what they want. Deneen, I can't tell you how many women come as empty nesters and retired women who don't know what they want to do with their life. Now their kids are gone. Now their husband, they don't have a relationship with their husbands now.

[0:29:01] They have nothing. And they don't, I'm like, what do you want out of life? Their answer is I don't know. Don't know what I want. They have so many illnesses because they have given up on themselves. They've only, they've prioritized their family.

[0:29:18] They don't realize if they don't take care of their health, only person who will stay with you is you. Nothing else, your health and you. And I realized that after getting two brain, brain aneurysms, I realized I need to prioritize me. Right.

[0:29:34] That's when I realized it's costing me everything. It's you're silent. Like you are silenced for all your desires. You're unhappy. You're, you're resentful. You're miserable.

[0:29:49] You get depression. You have underlying anxiety. Then you have blood pressure. What does it not cost you? What do you get? My question to them would be, what do you get from being real?

[0:30:05] What do you get? What's what they're like, but everyone else is happy. Does it make you happy when everyone else is happy for a little bit, but then you go to bed all resentful, sad. There's this sadness that you carry with you every day. There's this grief 40 years later, you wake up and you realize I gave

[0:30:27] my life to everyone and no one cares for me anymore. You're nothing more than a furniture. And now you want the world to revolve around you. It's not going to happen. It's going to happen. I have a, I have a client, she is 65 years old and she just recently

[0:30:46] got divorced from her husband.

[0:30:50] She can't read her right. And, um, because of her circumstances growing up and she is grieving every day, she goes, I give them 40 years and I'm left with nothing. He even took my home away.

[0:31:09] I even, he even took my home away. I have nothing left.

[0:31:15] This is what it costs them. There's no security. There's no safety. Like you said, it's not about safety. It's about freedom. They don't have left.

[0:31:25] They're not left with anything. There's no safety. There's no freedom. There's no voice, no happiness. All you're carrying with you is illness, anxiety, and depression. And you're just waiting for someone to come and live for you.

[0:31:40] No one's going to come live for you. Sorry, that was a very long answer for a very short question, but yes. No, I mean, because somebody can see themself in what you're saying. Right. Um, someone, someone is living at right now. So to hear you bring that up.

[0:31:56] So what do you tell her? How are you, you know, what is the work that you're doing and what type of progress have you seen? Oh, um, we're doing, actually, she comes from a very toxic relationship comes, she comes from a narcissistic abuse of marriage and, and it's, it's been, it's been a little difficult to work with her because

[0:32:20] the funny thing is how do you explain someone that you were abused when your own culture validates the abuse?

[0:32:30] Right. Right. Right. And she goes, well, it's so normal for women in our culture to go to this. So what makes it so different for me?

[0:32:44] So if we work, we do a lot of work in, in calling out the social constructs around the abuse. Like we talked about earlier, if we were to challenge that abuse, what does that mean about other women who are in this, what does it mean for them? So they're trying to silence her down. So they don't have to come out of their toxic marriages.

[0:33:06] So that's the work we do. We have to work on telling you a social construct, working on building a life or working on her happiness, finding a purpose for her right now. Our work is making her financially. Freedom, like bring her financial freedom, be standing on her own feet. So that's the work we're doing right now, because so much of our happiness,

[0:33:28] so much of our worth does come from financial freedom. And women don't take charge of financial freedom. That's, that is a lot of work I do with my women who are so agreeable and just hand over the accounts to their husbands and their partners. It's first things first is let's resolve, let's take charge of the most practical stuff, let's take charge of your financials.

[0:33:52] Yes, no, I, um, this reminds me of conversation that I, um, had, um, earlier this year, actually, I think that was in March as well, and it was with Kaylin, um, for me and Kaylin, um, she does a lot of work with, um, domestic violence survivors and finances is like key because that is one of the ways that men, um, control women finances, right? You don't have access to it.

[0:34:24] You don't have money. So, you know, when you want to leave, you can't, because how can you, you can't afford to, you know, you don't have a bank account, you don't have this, you don't have that. Um, and so owning our finances is so key. We have to own our finances regardless of the relationship that you

[0:34:43] have, regardless of how beautiful it is. You still need to have your finances. You still need to have access. Yeah, absolutely. You wake up in the morning as a woman, I have to cook for my family. Great.

[0:34:57] But you're buying that food from your finances. So taking your finances is more important at times than cooking a meal for your family. Someone else can do it, but you need to understand your finances. And I learned this lesson the hard way to me, right? I'm very thankful to one of my friends, Priti Kaur, who instilled this in me.

[0:35:19] Right. And that's one lesson now I give to everyone that your finances will make you or break you. You, that is your path to freedom, your path to your voice. So we do a lot of work with about our financial freedom. We do emotional stability work.

[0:35:36] We also do, we're working on our trauma by using EMDR, part of EMDR. I think so. Right. So it's just a trauma processing using eye movements and bilateral stimulation. So we do all of that. Yeah.

[0:35:52] Is that like what tapping work too? Yes. Yes. Yes. There's yes. So we do a lot of that work to stabilize her and finding right now we're working

[0:36:02] and finding a purpose for her life.

[0:36:06] And you know what? So that's important. So right. Grounding yourself, right? Slowing down, being still, being in tune with your surroundings. So that's, you know, I do that kind of work myself with my relationship

[0:36:19] counselor, who actually is next week's guests. So yeah. Yeah. So when you mentioned that I'm like, yeah, yeah, I think I do that work or whatever. And it's, but it's, it's, um, and that's something practice, right? When we were talking earlier about things being different as things

[0:36:34] that you're not used to, like I'm constantly moving, right? Even when I'm still, I'm moving, I'm, I'm that type of person that's always, you know, something is, is, is moving and I'm thinking and focus on other things. And so for me to really be still and be present, um, takes work. So last week I was in Philadelphia and typically when I travel, I, I pretty much, you know, I fly in on the day of the event.

[0:37:03] So if I'm going to an event, you know, I fly in that morning, um, and depending on what time of day it is, I might even fly back home that night. Right. So it's like, I'm just timing myself that I am there just long enough for that event. Well, this time around, because I was doing the live on Thursday, um, in my event was on Thursday, I said, you know what, I'm going to go in a day before

[0:37:23] Wednesday, and it was different for me. It was not what I was used to because I didn't have anything planned for Wednesday. So it was like, Oh, I can just, you know, just really just go through life. Like I didn't have to be anywhere. There was, you know, nothing on my calendar. I was just there and it makes a difference than how I'm typically moving,

[0:37:47] which is boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But I say all of this to say that grounding yourself, taking that time to do tapping or whatever you choose, the mechanism that you choose makes a difference and it keeps you, you know, it keeps you in tune with yourself and it takes practice. It takes practice.

[0:38:08] It takes practice because our body gets so used to the chaos. We are living a life of to-do list. That's all we do. We wake up from the morning and till night, it's a to-do list. Check, check, check, check, check. We don't take time out for us.

[0:38:22] We feel guilty taking the time out. My question to everyone is when has your to-do list has ever been completed? You're losing your time, your precious time that you need by yourself. You only get one life. No one has seen life after that. No one knows what it looks like.

[0:38:44] If you're going to continue playing the roles in your family, you're going to lose time for yourself. You got to seize the moment. Right. That agreeableness is costing you your life. Yes.

[0:38:54] And you need to seize it now. You got to seize it. You know, you got to seize it. Seize the opportunity. Right. And it's going to be different.

[0:39:05] It's going to be like, oh, I don't, but keep it moving, keep going. Like I really enjoyed not having anything going on on that Wednesday. Right. I really enjoyed having the, you know, the time to where it's like, oh, you know what, I don't need to be anywhere. Like, huh, maybe the next trip I'll do the same thing and

[0:39:21] whatever and, and keep doing. How did it feel for doing, how did it feel for you doing something different? Yeah. So I was like, it felt, look, it felt different.

[0:39:33] No, I mean, it was, and I, and I'm like, Oh, okay. I should do more of this. Really? Honestly, it's kind of what I thought about them. Like I can do more of this because there's nothing else going on. Right.

[0:39:43] You know what I'm saying? I'm retired. So it's not like I have a calendar or schedule anyway. And you have a grown son. Yeah. So what stops you from taking that time for yourself?

[0:39:54] Yeah. Just that tick, checking that tick box, right. Checking that the to-do list, like, okay, you know, having that activity back to back. Right. And Deneen, speaking of nervous system, one more point is women don't realize their nervous systems keeps them in toxic relationships and toxic environments

[0:40:15] because they can't handle different, the chaos, their body gets so used to the chaos that when it's different, they can't pivot. Yeah. They need that familiarity. It needs to be chaotic for them to feel comfortable. And it makes sense, right?

[0:40:31] It definitely makes sense when either you or someone, you know, continue to repeat certain patterns, you're like, why do you keep doing it? Because they're used to it. Like that's what they're, they're comfort, right? They find a comfort in that they don't know anything different. And it reminds me of like the fear.

[0:40:49] Sometimes it's not the fear, it's not the fear of loss. It's the fear of success. Like, I don't know what that looks like. You don't know what it looks like. I don't know what that looks like, but I know what the chaos looks like. Yeah.

[0:41:01] Chaos looks like, and my nervous system is so used to it. I know I can handle this, but can I handle taking a cup of coffee and sitting on my patio and enjoying the rain? Right? Yeah. Can I do that?

[0:41:13] Yes. Oh my God. Right. That is one breaking that boldest. Yes. No, I love all of that.

[0:41:21] So again, those that are watching, listening, this is some good stuff. Like what are you going to break today? Like think of something that you can break today and work on that one thing. Like just choose one thing that you can break, uh, and go ahead and break that. So super, you didn't wait for permission to leave tech and rebuild your life around this work.

[0:41:42] You trusted what you knew to be true. So for the woman watching who still performing a role that she was handed, what is the one thing she needs to do today to start choosing herself? You know, when we talk about things like choosing yourself, they think it's all like grand gestures. It needs to be those big, big, big moves and big steps that

[0:42:02] I need to take to choose myself. I need to either go, um, find a new career or I need to redo my house my way. No, it's not. It's literally the smallest step. It's stealing five minutes, 10 minutes, one minute a day to realize that you are not just that role that was designed for you're not just a mom.

[0:42:30] You're just not a sister, wife, daughter. You are you first. Deneen is Deneen first. She is a mom, second podcast, third, or any which way. So what does Deneen want to do for herself? Deneen wants to take a cup of coffee and sit down and enjoy.

[0:42:49] That's what it looks like taking time for yourself.

[0:42:54] To-do list, put it in your to-do list. If that makes your nervous system more like adapt to it better than putting it for myself to do. Absolutely. Add it for very, very small. Don't be hesitant to take it.

[0:43:09] It's literally stopping to smell the roses. That's what it is. Literally, right? Oh, here's something that I started doing or I did on this particular trip. I love fresh cut flowers. So I said, you know what?

[0:43:23] When I travel, I'm going to buy flowers and have them in my room. So if you all saw last week's episode, you probably noticed those beautiful purple flowers behind me. Yes. Yes. So that's something I said I'm going to do.

[0:43:36] Like I have them at home. So I'm going to have them in my hotel room as well. So I did last week. So that I did it. That's not one thing that I did last week. But that's what it looks like.

[0:43:47] It is that simple. It is that simple, right? It's like if you have one apple left and there are four people eating it, you don't have to cut all the four pieces and give it to the family. You can't say one for yourself so you can taste of it. That doesn't make you selfish.

[0:44:04] Right. I love it. I love it. Yeah, it's very simple. It's just believing in yourself that I deserve it. So your silence was never the price of safety.

[0:44:15] It was the cost of it. Choice, voice and emotional safety are not extras. They're the standard. That's the dream lifestyle standard. So before we wrap, Suprit, what would you like to leave those watching or listening with?

[0:44:32] I would like to tell you that don't waste. Don't wait for that perfect moment to live for yourself. Don't wait to that your kids will live for you or your husband will do this for you or your mom will do this for you. No one's coming to save you. No one's going to come live this life for you.

[0:44:50] You have to live it for yourself. I love that. So Suprit Gupta, thank you for bringing your honesty, your training and your live experience to the show today. You're welcome. This is exactly what the reclamation series is about.

[0:45:06] Enormous. Thank you to the Leon Thomas Group for holding it down every Thursday. And those that are watching, listening, shared us with a woman who's still performing a role she was handed. This conversation is for her. And next Thursday, October 29th, we close the reclamation series

[0:45:24] with Maya Dajon, relationship practitioner and founder of Chill Vibrations on wholeness attachment and emotional connection. You don't want to miss. See you next week.